Friday, November 26, 2010

Concerns about having to start over

Words: 1,839
Time: 11:30-1:45pm
Mood: Pretty good
Impression: A little worried

So I forced myself to write today after a fun turkey day yesterday. It wasn't that I was still stuffed or anything. I just didn't know what I was going to be writing. I thought about it before I feel asleep and couldn't focus on it. I thought about for a few hours laying in bed and couldn't really focus.

Finally at 11 I had to make a call and mentioned to the person that I was going to try and write at least 1,000 words and that made it real for me. So luckily as I showered after that, the scene came to me. Apparently I had the wrong idea for the scene. It seems that when I am about to write something that doesn't work, I get a sort of writers block that immediately clears up when I make the appropriate change.

Now, I'm a little worried about the story. Wait, you know what? I'm not going to say much about what I'm worried about right now because, it's a pretty serious worry. And if I'm right I practically need to start over. And since I don't even want to think about it, I'm not going to talk about it. I will just get to the end of this chapter and see what happens.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Have Chosen the Full Title for the Book... & I'm crazy

Words: 1,716
Time: 10:30 - 12:15
Mood: Fine
Impression: Meat and Potatoes

So after a necessary break yesterday I was back to writing today. Yesterday I realized that I couldn't push off deciding what the main character did for a living. That took me a while and a lot of posts to Facebook friends. Then after that I realized that I needed to finalize the full name of the book. That was necessary because the subtitle mentions the How To section of the book. But I think that I've finalized it. The unofficial name is:

How To NOT Have Sex Like A Zombie: A 'Novel Guide' to the Best Sexual Positions, Multiple Orgasms and How To Prevent the Zombie Apocalypse.

Honestly, the title might be funnier than the book. When I was writing Happiness Thru the Art of... Penis Enlargement, I knew it was funny. I was writing funny scenes. This isn't the case in this book. I feel like most of my energy is being put into writing action and developing characters. And that's fine but, I am a little concerned reviewers will penalize me for implying more humor than I am delivering.

As I think about it now, I think that I could write a much funnier book than what I'm writing. Unfortunately for me and my books sales, I have decided to write a deep book with humorous undertones.

You know, this is just hitting me now. What the fuck man! Why can't I ever just write something simple.

I guess this new surge of emotions is coming from the fact that the guy who edits my books got back to me yesterday about the book I wrote before "Happiness Thru the Art of... Penis Enlargement" book. He told me that he thought the book was "good", and fine the way it was. But if I wanted to write a book that would really appeal to a lot of people, I should keep the moral that I expressed at the end of the book and shave out all of the complexity and SciFi type stuff. Apparently simple stories sell the most books.

Why can't I ever just do that? Why do I always feel the need to write complexity. Oh wait, I think I know why. I think it's because I want everyone to know just how smart I am. Of course I don't express to myself like that. What I say to myself is that 5000 people could probably tell the simple story. Why would anyone ever want to read my simple story. So to stand out, I need to write something that no one else could or would write... enter Everybody Masturbates.

Ok, here's the deal. The only reason why I'm writing this current book is because I was hoping to explore a topic that would cause all out stagnation in a person's life. And when I came up with the idea of having a zombie need to hide the fact that he was a zombie and how that secret stagnates his whole life, I decided to write the book. I guess that if I actually enjoyed writing I would have just written the funny book. But I need motivation to spend every morning for 2 or 3 months sitting in front of a computer. And I guess the truth is that that need for motivation is why I will ultimately fail. Hmmm, well that sucks. :-(

I think I need to go back up and change my "Mood:". Boy I sound depressed. Maybe what it is is that any review that doesn't imply that my work is great or brilliant I take as a failure. Man that sounds unhealthy when I type it out. I mean the editor just sent me an email and the subject is "Good Book" and a part of wants to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.

My god, there really is something wrong with me. Hmmm...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Writing about Sex and Violence with humor

Words: 2,946
Time: 10:15 - 1:15pm
Mood: upbeat
Impression: Pretty good

I wrote a lot of words today. I basically did 2 days worth of words in one day. It's amazing how some days are painfully slow while other fly by.

I think today flew by because I was writing the first action scene in the book. I think that the action was good. Although I might have hit a new moral low as I combined sex, violence and humor into one scene.

Essentially, what happened in the story is the main character is "laying his samurai sword down" upon a ZILF (Zombie I'd Like to Fuck) when he realizes that one of her nipples are showing. And in the middle of everything he keeps trying to sneak a peek at her exposed nipple because all things considered the zombie is pretty hot. So he precedes to dismember her while treating her like a brainless sex object.

Yes, yes, I know. There's clearly something wrong with me. I think we have already established that fact.

I did write something today that doesn't embarrass me though. I don't think at my main character can be considered a douche anymore. It turns out he has deep emotions and that he feels things. Those feels may not transfer across to his treatment of women, but at least I established that he's a character worth following.

Now as for me and my birthday revelations. I think that I'm going to try the drugs. Why not? What do I have to lose? I think that it makes it easy for me to make that choice knowing the my genetic makeup. I was never really judgemental about people who took drugs before. But I definitely considered it a flaw in their character. But what I failed to consider before was that we are not all uniformly made.

Knowing my genetic make-up has finally taught me that short of spending a lot of my day in meditation, there is nothing I could do to experience the same things that almost everyone else in the world experiences. I can barely exercise more than I already do. I could hardly eat healthier than I do. And there are no supplements on the market that will get me there (and on this topic, believe me, I have tried them all).

So there might be an evolutionary purpose for our genetic differences, but there was also an evolutionary purpose for premature babies dying at birth. Yet we don't think anything about saving their life. So yes, we were designed as a species so that some of us love too little and others love too much. We were designed so that some lived to age 14 and some to age 100. And as a species we were designed to be able to use our knowledge to overcome our design. Well, I'm using that option and seeing where it takes me.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Writing on My Birthday!

Words: 2,328
Time: 10 - 12:45
Mood: Not bad
Impression: Fine, I think

So first off, I haven't written in 3 days because I have been working and I wasn't feeling well.

On Tuesday I worked on "The Defenders" starring Jerry O'Connell, and James Belushi. That is the show where I got to take off my shirt and walk around the pool. They placed me with this cute Russian Blond. It was nice. But she had a plastic surgeon boyfriend and ultimately except, for the fact that I looked good and I was on TV, it was a waste.

On Wednesday I was on Criminal Mind: Suspect something. That one starred Forest Whitaker. And except for the fact that I got to hang out in the restaurant where they shot the opening and closing scenes of Pulp Fiction, it was a bust. I was playing a cop and the only other people there were playing cops as well. I'm not working as a background guy to hang out with people who play cops. I'm just saying.

So about what I wrote today. Today I finished chapter 2. I can't really tell if it's good or not. I suspect that it's OK. But I'm a little doped up so I'm not sure what to think. It was about when the main character gets dragged out on his first zombie hunt. It ends with him hearing the sound of a zombie's breathe. And it is known that when you hear that sound, you are basically already dead. I also managed to slip in a little more back story. It a writing day that basically got me from here to there.

Now about me. It's my birthday today. Well, Happy Birthday to me! It is always nice to see the wishes come in, so that pretty nice. And last night I got my first chance to see a play that I did about 9 years ago. I had had the opportunity before, but I decided not to because I got so much praise for that part, that I knew that what I saw could never live up to the hype.

But I have to say, it wasn't bad. I only saw one scene, and after watching it I spent the whole night trying to rip my performance apart. But in truth, it was exactly what it should have been. It was exactly right. All of those little things that actors are taught to do, I did. And On top of that, I found it funny. Apparently I was a pretty good actor back then. Who knew?

And then on top of that I came home and watched the episode of Bones that I was one. If you watch the show, it was the episode with the world's biggest chocolate bar. I am barely in it in spite of where I was placed. But what I could tell from watching that scene from back then and this scene from a few weeks ago, I have aged. Don't get me wrong, I still look good, and I look even better with my shirt off, but I have changed.

This realization came one day after making another realization. I finally understand why I am the way that I am. A few years ago I learned that I was something called: Dopamine Insensitive. That means that it takes a lot more to get me excited than the average person. And exciting things are less exciting for me. That is why I said that I feel like I am constantly chasing highs.

Well, from the research that I did for the reality show, I learned that the reason that I am the way that I am is not because of something that I did. People like me have a gene variance that causes our brains to release less of a particular chemical. That chemical breaks down the feel good juice that brain produces when we are in love or are excited.

But instead of feeling good all of the time because we have more of the feel good juice longer, our brain turns down the microphone to prevent from blowing out the speakers. But our brains never turn the mikes back up during the quieter moments. That means that things that most people find exciting I don't. And to feel that normal feeling that everyone else feels takes a lot more stimulus for me. It is a similar thing that happens when people take the drug ecstasy for too long.

So to put that in piratical terms, to feel like I'm in love I have to be crazy in love. And if those feelings drop even a little, I feel like I'm no longer in love at all. This wasn't always the case. But it has developed into this over time. So I guess that that is why I have never been in a committed relationship. Because no one can ever get me past that threshold of love and then no one can ever maintain it.

And now that I know this, I have to decide what to do about it. There's no cure for this, because medically speaking there's nothing wrong. But there are drugs that people use for addiction that might work. The only problem is that they could further increase the volume in the room and cause my body to turn the mike down even further to compensate. And if that happens, I literally might not be able to feel excited about anything ever again. Not to mention what that will do to my mood. I will forever live in a state of depression. Not good. My guess though is that that won't happen, so that is the main contender.

More later.

The sad thing though is that this is a life time commitment. But hey, it might be nice to know what it feels like to be in love. Ya know, I seriously thought that people were just making all those feelings mentioned in poems, books and movies up. Who knew that people actually felt like that. It seem a little crazy, but OK.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hello Darkness My Old Friend, I've come to Blog with You Again

Words: 2,647
Time: 10:30-1pm & 1:30-2:30
Mood: Dark and Horrible
Impression: Better than the last thing I wrote

Ok, so I haven't written in a week. Not so much my fault as it was the strep throat that I supposedly had and the fact that I am partnering with a reality show writer and he needed me to do a lot of work for that project. That took the entire week.

Now me. I have to say that I am in the darkest mood imaginable. The things that go though my mind would amaze people. Generally speaking I am very likable, but damn I am one dark M.F. How much I wish I could just disappear. That is always my fantasy. I wish that I could be here one moment and never have existed the next. I feel like my life is a continuous chase for highs. Be it supplements, be it racquetball, be it sex, I just go from one high to the next. And now that I'm celibate I really only have 2 options. Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk to you again.

Anyway, enough about me. If you're reading this you are probably more interested in the book and how it's coming. It was both fortunate and unfortunate that I had that week from writing. The fortunate part was that it gave me time to realize what was wrong with what I wrote and gave me time to fix it. The unfortunate part was that I had to live with the idea for a week that I was a sucky writer. I actually considered stopping writing this book. But alas, I continued.

The problem turned out to be easy to fix once I put my mind to it. It was just a matter of getting the time to think about and then write it. Really, what I wrote was crap. It was worse than crap. It was the crap that my crap crapped out on the crapper. Ugg. It pains me to think that I would ever even type such shit.

Well, I corrected it by making the main character not from a wealthy family and by allow the douche to show a brief moment of compassion. I don't know if it's good, but it's better than what I wrote before. Ya know, I don't know if I'm in the write frame of mind to write this book. I sometimes fantasize about reaching my hand into my imaginary character's chest and ripping out his heart. But then I think, use that feeling. Express it with my words. And usually it's about there that I wish I was a better writer.

You know what, I think that I just decided that I am going to do horrible things to my main character. I have just decided that I am going to take out every angry feeling I have about anything and place it towards him. I am going to destroy his life and bring him crying to his knees. I wonder if that would make me feel better. The way i see it, that is the arc of the character anyway. I will just shred him apart with pleasure instead of necessity.

You know I have to stop and ask myself why I hate this main character so. Again I ask, am I the zombie hunter that I'm writing about. Well that can't be it, because as anyone that knows me will tell you, I love myself to a very unhealthy amount. Hmmm... I wonder if I should go back to therapy?

I think that it is probably a bad idea that I have written this entry so late at night. It gives me the freedom to write things that i will probably regret having written. I played racquetball right after I finished writing so I didn't get a chance then.

Well, clearly I am in a truly shitty mood. But at least tomorrow I am going to get to do one of my favorite things, take my shirt of on TV while hanging out with hot women in bikinis. Yay for me. I will be a pool goer on the TV show The Defenders. I'm sure that will cheer me up. Boobs. Bikinis. Celibacy. Crap!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Not a Happy Day

Words: 2004
Time: 9:45 - 12:15pm
Mood: Down
Impression: Not sure if I like it

So I didn't write this weekend because I didn't know what I would write. I don't know how other novelist write, but I spend either the night before or the morning of thinking about exactly what I'm going to write that day. And once I have a jumping off point and all of the major events, I think some about the details of what the characters will say.

I couldn't get myself to sit down and do that this weekend. Plus I had errands like laundry that I had to do. On Saturday I went to a Halloween party and learned just how much this celibacy is affecting me. I got some alcohol in me and couldn't stop talking about it. It makes sense since I can't stop thinking about it normally. But I also noticed that dressed in as little clothing for the Halloween party as I could without be inappropriate. I tell you that this is really affecting my mind.

Today the writing was all back story about the 3 characters that will end up being the main focuses of the book. Like any great hero story, all the major players start off playing for one team. Something happens and then they are on polar opposite sides. Today I was writing about the time when they were together.

I'm not sure if I like what I wrote today. It feels a little hokey. The psychological back story that I created for each of them is solid, but I don't know if it was executed well. Maybe what it is is that I think that 2 of the 3 main characters are idiots... and not in the fun way. The arc of the story is them maturing so I am letting it go.

Anyway, it's now 12:45 and I'm done for the day. I'm not sure what to do with my time. I'm too worn to play racquetball, and I don't really have anything that I have to do. This is a bad combination for me.

And btw, the article that I mentioned the last time appeared in TheDailyBeast on Saturday. Here is the link.


Friday, November 5, 2010

Yesterday was my Favorite Day in Years!

Words: 1,768
Time: 11 - 11:45 & 12:30 - 1:30
Mood: Really Good
Impression: The best first chapter I could write

Yesterday was the best yesterday a celibate guy could have. But more on that later.

I finished chapter 1 today. It's not bad. Actually it's pretty good. I don't think that it as funny as Happiness thru the Art of... Penis Enlargement, but it will at least make the reader smile in spots. The goal was to set up the chief dilemma of the main character and explain the world where humans and zombies live together. And most importantly I ended the chapter on a page turner. That is my goal for every chapter. Let's see if it happens.

I also did something that I didn't expect. I created a driving force of... I don't know if it would be evil. I know that my obscurity between the good guys and the bad guys detracts from my story a little. I happen to love ambiguity. That is why I write complex situations. But I know that the most popular books makes it very clear who is the bad guys and who are the good guys. As I see it shaping out, the good guys might be the zombies. But the problem is that the zombies can't be good because if they win the human race loses. Wait, I just heard a reader deciding not to buy my zombie book. Oh well.

Now about yesterday. So, I was very happy with what I wrote yesterday. And my rule is that I can't check my email until my writing is done for the day. But when I did check my email, I found out that a reality show that I have been developing with my reality show developing partner is still being considered by a major production company and that I need to do some research for it. That's great!

After that I decided to go play racquetball late. Thursday nights are special because there is a person that I know that plays that night who is the only contact I have into the world of animated comedies. If you don't know, I wrote a few kid's books: Everybody Masturbates; Everybody Masturbates for Girls; and Everybody Has Those Thoughts So It Doesn't Mean You're Gay.

Immediately after writing the books I decided to write a South Park meets Veggie Tales animated comedy based on the books. This guy I play with is my only entrance into that world. After much convincing last night he agreed to read it, and he gave me the name of friend of his at MTV animation and told me that I could use his name. Success!

But wait there's more. So I come home and I'm preparing the email with the script in it, when I get another email for a writer from She is doing a story on guys that send pictures of their penis to others, and because I wrote: Happiness Thru the Art of... Penis Enlargement, she wanted to use me as the expert. An hour after I got the email, she called me and we spoke for 10 minutes. God I love being an expert. :-)

I think that that was one of my favorite days in years... that didn't involve sex. Well, I guess if you take sex out of it, it was my best day ever. I love days when the potential for success it at it's greatest. Success is never as great as the build up, so yesterday was a perfect day.

I haven't decided if I will write tomorrow. I would prefer to finish this book as soon as I can, so I might put in 1,000 words or so.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Am I the Zombie hunter I'm writing about?

Words: 1,937
Time: 10:15 - 11:30 & 12:30 - 1:30
Mood: Contemplative
Impression: It's good, but not necessarily funny

Ok, so I've written for a second day, so I guess it's official, I'm writing this thing.

Yesterday I wrote in the morning and then worked on the TV show Bones in the afternoon. I work as a "background actor" on TV shows now. And I have long said that Bones has the greatest proportion of attractive actresses on it. I am willing to up that statement after doing the show for the second time. Bones has the most attractive woman in TV working on it. Tamara, the actress that plays Cam is as beautiful in person as on TV. She is just straight out beautiful.

But I don't enjoy working background because of the attractiveness of the main actors. I work it because of the attractiveness of the background actress. For that Bones falls way behind, the show 'How I Met Your Mother', 'CSI New York' and 'Love Bites'. Those shows had so many beautiful women on it that it was just great. More on that later.

What I wrote today was the background on the world. I understand a little bit more about the story now. My experience has been that I discover the story as I write. And what this story is about is a world in the beginning stages of a world wide health issue. It is the beginning stages of a pandemic. So while world governments try to figure out how to deal with the law abiding infected, pockets of vigilantes zombie hunters have broken out in all of the major cities. And to this the governments in these areas have turned a blind eye. This is the world in which the story takes place. Interesting right? I think so.

Now about me. I couldn't sleep last night. Usually at night I spend about an hour working out the details of what I will be writing the next day. Last night I accidentally allowed my highly active mind to start focusing on why it is that this is my third novel about a desperately lonely and isolated character. I know the obvious answer to the question. But that can't be all of it, because I am also the person that wears a wedding ring on both hands. One would think that if I were really that desperately lonely character that I keep writing about, I wouldn't be making an effort to get people to look away when checking me out.

And also last night on the active mind's agenda was whether or not I am the main characters of all of my books. One character is a psychic who dies and finds himself in an unexpected afterlife. Another is a retail manager that has to deal with his mentally and verbally abusive penis. And the Third is a zombie that hunts his own kind. Could all of these characters be me? No, right? But yet in the deepest part of my heart I understand these characters. These aren't just people that I've seen or met somewhere, I know how these people act and feel. There has got to be a least a part of me in them.

Anyway, that is what kept me up last night. Hopefully I will be working tomorrow. But if I'm not, I will be writing and posting again.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

First day of writing the book 'How to NOT have Sex Like a Zombie'

Word: 1,754
Time: 9am - 10:30am
Mood: upbeat
Impression: A little vulgar

So I've done it. After telling myself that I wouldn't write another novel, I'm writing another novel. Once again I'm going to try and write something that is intentionally funny. My last book "Happiness Thru the Art of... Penis Enlargement" turned out to be even funnier than I thought. I really didn't expect the response that I had. I really didn't think that it was that consistently funny. But hey, thank god other people did.

Now as for this book, I am at a different stage of life not than back then. First off, I don't have as much time to write as I did last time. Now I can only fit in writing time between days off. We will see how long this takes me.

Second, mentally I'm in a much different place this time. When I wrote the last book I was seeing 2 therapists because apparently I was depressed. I was what they termed a 'high functioning depressed person'. High functioning indeed. I wrote 3 books during that supposed depression. Whatever!

Now I'm seeing no therapist, but I am writing this book about how to have better sex while being celibate (that includes no masturbation). And I will tell you now, this fucking celibate shit is screwing with my fucking mind! I'm so fuckin' tense! At times if feel like I can punch through a wall and other times I feel like curling up like a ball and having any random stranger off the street come in and stroke my hair.

I'm celibate right now for a few reasons, but one of which is that this book is about a guy that doesn't know he's a zombie but does know that he's bad in bed. And the story follows the main character as he learns better sexual techniques while he comes to grips with being a zombie.

In my story zombies are a part of everyday society because the onset of zombie-ism takes a while and is slow. So after people find out they have it, it takes between months and years before it begins to show. But no matter when the effects start to show, they start having cravings to eat brains right away.

And since the main character does his best to fight the cravings, and since I am a "method" writer (like I was a "method" actor), I'm being celibate to understand what it's like to have overwhelming cravings that you aren't allowing yourself to satisfy. And if I could just learn to deal with the fact that every minute that I don't spend either talking, playing racquetball or with friends I'm incredible angry, I'll be fine.

Ok, so that's enough for day one. I will probably be able to write tomorrow because I haven't been called in for work yet. I am now working as an extra on TV shows, so I don't find out if I'm working until late in the day.

Til tomorrow!