Writing on My Birthday!

Words: 2,328
Time: 10 - 12:45
Mood: Not bad
Impression: Fine, I think

So first off, I haven't written in 3 days because I have been working and I wasn't feeling well.

On Tuesday I worked on "The Defenders" starring Jerry O'Connell, and James Belushi. That is the show where I got to take off my shirt and walk around the pool. They placed me with this cute Russian Blond. It was nice. But she had a plastic surgeon boyfriend and ultimately except, for the fact that I looked good and I was on TV, it was a waste.

On Wednesday I was on Criminal Mind: Suspect something. That one starred Forest Whitaker. And except for the fact that I got to hang out in the restaurant where they shot the opening and closing scenes of Pulp Fiction, it was a bust. I was playing a cop and the only other people there were playing cops as well. I'm not working as a background guy to hang out with people who play cops. I'm just saying.

So about what I wrote today. Today I finished chapter 2. I can't really tell if it's good or not. I suspect that it's OK. But I'm a little doped up so I'm not sure what to think. It was about when the main character gets dragged out on his first zombie hunt. It ends with him hearing the sound of a zombie's breathe. And it is known that when you hear that sound, you are basically already dead. I also managed to slip in a little more back story. It a writing day that basically got me from here to there.

Now about me. It's my birthday today. Well, Happy Birthday to me! It is always nice to see the wishes come in, so that pretty nice. And last night I got my first chance to see a play that I did about 9 years ago. I had had the opportunity before, but I decided not to because I got so much praise for that part, that I knew that what I saw could never live up to the hype.

But I have to say, it wasn't bad. I only saw one scene, and after watching it I spent the whole night trying to rip my performance apart. But in truth, it was exactly what it should have been. It was exactly right. All of those little things that actors are taught to do, I did. And On top of that, I found it funny. Apparently I was a pretty good actor back then. Who knew?

And then on top of that I came home and watched the episode of Bones that I was one. If you watch the show, it was the episode with the world's biggest chocolate bar. I am barely in it in spite of where I was placed. But what I could tell from watching that scene from back then and this scene from a few weeks ago, I have aged. Don't get me wrong, I still look good, and I look even better with my shirt off, but I have changed.

This realization came one day after making another realization. I finally understand why I am the way that I am. A few years ago I learned that I was something called: Dopamine Insensitive. That means that it takes a lot more to get me excited than the average person. And exciting things are less exciting for me. That is why I said that I feel like I am constantly chasing highs.

Well, from the research that I did for the reality show, I learned that the reason that I am the way that I am is not because of something that I did. People like me have a gene variance that causes our brains to release less of a particular chemical. That chemical breaks down the feel good juice that brain produces when we are in love or are excited.

But instead of feeling good all of the time because we have more of the feel good juice longer, our brain turns down the microphone to prevent from blowing out the speakers. But our brains never turn the mikes back up during the quieter moments. That means that things that most people find exciting I don't. And to feel that normal feeling that everyone else feels takes a lot more stimulus for me. It is a similar thing that happens when people take the drug ecstasy for too long.

So to put that in piratical terms, to feel like I'm in love I have to be crazy in love. And if those feelings drop even a little, I feel like I'm no longer in love at all. This wasn't always the case. But it has developed into this over time. So I guess that that is why I have never been in a committed relationship. Because no one can ever get me past that threshold of love and then no one can ever maintain it.

And now that I know this, I have to decide what to do about it. There's no cure for this, because medically speaking there's nothing wrong. But there are drugs that people use for addiction that might work. The only problem is that they could further increase the volume in the room and cause my body to turn the mike down even further to compensate. And if that happens, I literally might not be able to feel excited about anything ever again. Not to mention what that will do to my mood. I will forever live in a state of depression. Not good. My guess though is that that won't happen, so that is the main contender.

More later.

The sad thing though is that this is a life time commitment. But hey, it might be nice to know what it feels like to be in love. Ya know, I seriously thought that people were just making all those feelings mentioned in poems, books and movies up. Who knew that people actually felt like that. It seem a little crazy, but OK.